Children

Thursday is my day for looking after Adam. Anne’s at work and it’s just him and me – I’m very lucky that I can arrange my work to allow me to do this (the advantage of working for myself). In many ways, it’s my favourite day of the week. Usually, we go swimming in the morning, or something else that we can do together, then eat lunch and Adam naps while I do housework or just play on the computer. Once he wakes up, we play or read, or go out somewhere, then I cook dinner.

Why bother you with this? Because having children is an odd thing. Much of the time, there’s this feeling “Which idiot decided I was responsible/wise/energetic enough to look after a child?” And, of course, there’s the perennial “He’s doing it again!” (for oh-so-many values of “it”). Children (or, at least, my children) are the most exasperating people – quite innocently, most of the time. It’s the total focus they have on what they’re doing at the moment, to the complete exclusion of parently speech. Even when what I’m saying is “Stop that now, before it cuts your fingers off…!”
When Adam was born, I had been hearing all the usual things: “It was the most emotional experience of my life”, “You’ll feel completely different” and so on. The thing was, none of that was true. The birth was obviously rather a stressful experience (for Anne more than me, I’m sure) but, at first, Adam was just A child. True, he was a child who we had the immense privilege of caring for and with whom we could spend all our time, but it took a while to fall in love with him. And a falling in love is what it was – the gradual but total and profound binding together of two people. Just as, in a marriage, “love” isn’t ultimately about the emotional rush but the long haul, so my relationship with my children grew into love. It’s not about “lurve”, the emotional high that our society is so hung up on, but the daily decision and need to love the other person in spite of all the difficulties that grow into a deep emotional bond, beyond understanding and beyond choice.
Long-term love needs to be cultivated but repays far more than you invest. It’s the investment that’s the thing, though. Children demand so much in terms of time, energy, fairness, patience, attention, care that it’s immensely wearing. Especially when, with small children, you’re permanently sleep-deprived because of their eccentric waking patterns!
Adam can be terribly frustrating and a huge pain (even though he’s only 2) but, when he walks into the room, comes up to me, holds his arms out for a cuddle and says “Me like you”, there’s nothing like it.

pax et bonum

Article posted at 3:35pm on 16 September 2004
Category: Life, Struggling, General